The following has been obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. It was found mildewed and mouldering in the in tray of Jo Tripodi. Careful restoration at the State Library of NSW revealed its inflammatory content. The original restorer met a grizzly death – allegedly pecked to death by ibis in Hyde Park. His assistant has been in a coma since falling off the back of a Rhythm Boat Harbour Cruise.

The Government has been at great pains to keep this document secret.

Is it true?  Apart from the style, the lack of cliché, and the actual interest it engenders, it could be something dreamt up by Dan Brown. We will never know the identity of this bold explorer. But if even only some of what he describes is real, it is compelling reading for any resident of what once known as the Premier State.   

 

 

 

Oh people of Sydney. I have journeyed far and wide along the Great Silk Road. I have been blown by fair winds and foul to distant corners of the Earth. There I have discovered all manner of marvels but it is this which will cause your mouth to droop in slack jawed wonder;   Other cities rule themselves without recourse to discourse with corrupt and vile bodies. 

I know it is hard to believe, but in many cities and conurbations the wide world over, men and women gather, take council and make decisions for the greater good.

Yea, scarce can you credit it but no brigand nor ne’er-do-well is present as decisions regarding the public weal are taken. 

Here they may decide upon a road to be built and no money changes hands betwixt the People’s Representative and those who wouldst build said road.

There a set of dwellings is to be constructed to house  the peasantry and in considering the plan, the welfare and comfort of the peasants is paramount. Not the welfare and comfort of those who wouldst build the dwelling. 

I know this sounds most foreign and strange but I assure you  this is so and those who live in this manner marvel at us.  They suggest that is not necessary for the government to lie abed with footpads and poltroons. They have government which is not interested in its own power and position. It rules for the good of the citizenry. 

Did I not say your eyes would start forth from your head, and you would scarce believe what I have seen?

I hesitate to bring you such news from abroad.  As I describe such ways of living I must forsooth bring my own credibility into question, yet it is not for my sake that my quill pauses. Rather , I fear that I will raise the hopes of the good people of Sydney too high.

If I suggest that I have seen transport systems which move millions of people throughout cities, arriving and departing actually on time and with but a single ticket required,  to what despair will that give rise when next you ponder the whereabouts of the 5.32 to Liverpool?

If I say I have seen rickshaws, tuktuks and taxis compete in lively and joyful bustle for the privelege of carrying you hence, how downcast will you be when next you ponder the whereabouts of the cab you booked a half hour before?

If I say that I have seen cities where decisions are made and kept, where projects are begun and finished, where rulers rule spending not their time a-plotting in dark parlours and Chow Meanieres, then I fear that I begin to reach the limits of your belief and that I may as well be describing cities run by faeries and elves for that all you will credit my report.

Yet it is so, and if you undertook a journey to almost any other city than our own, you would find they function.

Where is our Hercules who will divert a river and cleanse the stables of Macquarie St of the ordure, filth and stench that has sullied it so deep.?

 

Here the manuscript ends.  Over a blurred signature, there is a poignant stain; a tear? A drop of blood.? Was our correspondent weeping for his city? Was he disturbed and might he have written more? You may question his observations – it does seem impossible that men and women could rule themselves in the manner he describes. Perhaps his intent is satirical, perhaps it is the ravings of a lunatic. The writer’s courage however is stark and must bring us all pause

 

 

 

 

There Is No Suggestion That You Have An Unhealthy Interest In the Murder of Michael McGurk.

 

The NSW premier planted a tree today at Rooty Hill Public School. There is no suggestion that the Premier , or the tree or any at Rooty Hill Public School was involved with the McGurk Murder.

There is no suggestion that the nursery that supplied the tree, the tuck shop ladies at Rooty Hill , the Premier’s driver or any of the attendant media had involvement with the murder of Michael McGurk.

And in saying there is no suggestion we mean there is no suggestion. We are not saying that in a snide ironic way in order that you might draw an inference that there is a suggestion of involvement. We know you will try to read between, above and below the lines in order to discern what we know but cannot say but in this particular case, the Premier was simply turning a sod at a local public school. He is wearing a hard hat not as protection against potential assassins but as a normal part of OH&S requirements which have put us all in lime vests and hard hats whatever we may do.

And  so we are very genuinely and strenuously suggesting that  no one at this event or anyone reading about this event here in the paper today was involved with the McGurk Murder. 

At the moment in the state of NSW and Sydney in particular it’s hard to see where all this starts and finishes.  So it’s best to err on the safe side lest we find ourselves in court for years to come. 

Which is not a suggestion that any who may or may not have been involved with the murder of Michael McGurk would resort to legal chicanery and procrastination in order to delay or pervert the course of justice. Nor do we in any way imply that respected members of the legal profession would use arcane legal tactics in order to protect their clients who may be quite legitimately addressing an erroneous suggestion that they were in some way involved in the McGurk Murder. Not that we are suggesting that they were. 

Or if they were, we would certainly include the word ‘alleged’ as often as possible.  We support their right to be judged  innocent until proven guilty. Although the amount of space we give to them and the furtive looking pictures of them lunching with people we don’t suggest are involved in the murder of Michael McGurk but simply suggest they seem to have lunch with him quite often may give rise to the impression that we believe them to be guilty but we are in no way suggesting that.

Whatever you think we’re suggesting we’re not.

Neither are we suggesting anything by material we omit.

If you were at a lunch on a such and such a date at, for example, the Tuscany Restaurant in Leichhardt and we haven’t mentioned you or published your  photograph this does not suggest that we think you were involved in the murder of Michael McGurk.

If we have referred to someone obliquely or with a nickname or acronym no inference should be drawn that there is a suggestion that are more likely to have been involved in the murder of Michael McGurk. They are no more under suspicion than anyone else.

Not that anyone is under suspicion at this time. They are helping police with their inquiries. Which means just that. Really.

At this point we have nothing further. There is no suggestion that if there is anything further that it will involve a Premier, a tree or Rooty Hill Public School. 

 

When did Branding become the universal panacea to any problem? From the NRL to Vanilla Coke, it’s not that there’s a problem with the thing itself, there’s a problem with the branding.

In the last few weeks no less than Australia and Christianity has announced that they need to look at their branding.

I’m not sure what to make of a faith that has branding issues. Of a Creator who’s putting pressure on the marketing department.  You want to bring the waverers in? I don’t know  - lightning bolt?  Big voice from the sky? Some water into wine – I’d say branding issues dealt with.

But instead of Upwardly referring the problem,  this coalition of twenty Christian churches found through their market research that almost everything about themselves was on the nose; God, Church, Religion, Holy, Faith – all of them with less brand loyalty than Hyundai.  The only one who was maintaining a strong market share was Jesus.

Up there with Iphone, apparently.

So the Churches have responded with a series of billboards. The billboards show a picture of a child at the seaside. Slogan, Thank You For the Beaches, Jesus.  As powerful as a puppy with a roll of toilet paper.

If only they’d come to me.

You want impactful billboard? There’s only one model. Get big red and yellow signs up along major roads, reading DO YOU WANT A LONGER AFTER LIFE? 

In three months replace it with PRAY LONGER. AND HARDER.

With a bit of luck you’d get plenty of attendant controversy, lots of mileage in the news columns, plenty of outraged letters and before you know it,  you’re getting more coverage than a condom on the Pope. 

And you haven’t even offered to deliver Holy Water via a nasal spray. 

Branding’s a cult and a religion in itself. It’s an article of faith now that if there’s a problem then you have to fix the brand.

As irresistible as it is to mix religion and branding  - that crucifix was pretty effective logo for a millennia or so wasn’t it? Only surpassed apparently today by the Golden Arches – it’s ludicrous isn’t it?

And I have the same reaction to yet more attempts to brand the Nation.

Simon Crean and  Austrade now  want to spend twenty million dollars branding Australia. Australia’s been branded more times than a bull in Bonanza.  The difference this time is that Austrade is looking for a catch all brand that will cover everything from exporting cochlear implants to importing Indian students; from Akubras to Akira Isigawa., from LPG to  AC/DC.

The theory is that it’s really working well for New Zealand and South Africa. New Zealand’s “100% Pure” and South Africa’s  “Rainbow Nation” are not just slogans on the end of tourism ads. They represent a whole of nation approach and whether it’s Sauvignon Blanc or the All Blacks, the rest of world gets guzzling on a bottle of Marlborough  SB because of an association with the 100% Pure brand. It’s believed that South Africa got the World Cup Soccer because of the power of their Rainbow Nation brand.

Rubbish. 

France doesn’t have a brand, but it did invent food and champagne.  The USA is a brand in itself. Like the UK.

Italy doesn’t have a brand, it just got the entire planet to eat its food.  Sweden doesn’t have a brand apart from Volvo. Switzerland just holds up a Swiss Army Knife. China will arrest you if you try to brand it.  India accompanies everything with a sitar and a head wobble. The Middle East, it could be argued,  has some brand perception issues.

Attempts to brand Australia will go the same way as attempts to change the flag.

What’s the brief?

We cannot give a decent brief to a designer or a marketer because we don’t know who we are. We veer between outdated outbackery and anxious world classery.  We’re the most suburbanized people in the world, but never want to project that. We’re a Western enclave in Asia. We’re the fifty first state.  We’re a  vibrant multicultural society. We’ve got dot paintings and didgeridoos and an appalling relationship with actual Aborigines.

National traits include an ability to laugh at ourselves, mateship, fix anything with fencing wire, tearing down of anyone who gets up themselves, play any sport and work hard play hard ethic that makes us the best bloody place in the world.

My problem is none of those traits seem particularly unique to our nation and none of the perceptions of who we are seem true.

Millions will be spent with brand experts and marketing consultants who’ll deliver, “Australia. It’s Great.” 

Branding happens because something is what it says it is.

A soft drink, a piece of technology, a religion or a nation they are what they are and that’s the brand.

That’s the whole problem  with branding. When you come down to it, it’s gotta be the Real Thing.

 

 

 

 

8.09.09     If you would like to do business in Sydney, please answer the following questionnaire…

 

Have you got a criminal record?  Do any of your business partners? Do you know Graeme Richardson? Does your proposed property deal depend  on a future  ‘rezoning’ ? Is there a liquor licence involved? Do you own brothels? Sex shops? Are you close to rugby league players? Are you on the committee for a nearly defunct bowling club? Do you understand the term branch stacking? Are you friends with Eddie Obeid? Joe Tripodi? Eric Roozendaal?  Do you run with the Rebel Motorbike gang? If I wanted a high class hooker, could you get me one? Can you get into the Piano Room? Would the Ibrahims high five you when you did? Have you ever ordered a hit on anyone? Do you know the going rate? Are you an importer/exporter? Is the name by which you are known the name you were given at birth? Do you lease either a current model Mercedes/Audi/Porsche? Do you run with the Nomads? Do you tape your business meetings? How well do you know Jim Byrnes? Have you ever set fire to anything apart from a barbeque? Have you done time? Do you owe money to anyone who has? Have you borrowed money from someone who is not a bank? Do you regard bankruptcy as a part of normal business practice?

How well do you know Graham Richardson?

Has anything you’ve ever done resulted in a broad ranging State Parliament inquiry? Were you mentioned in the Wood Royal Commission into Police Corruption?  Do you have links to key Labor figures? Have you stood bail for anyone? Do you know Neville Wran? Do you regularly attend Labor Party fundraisers?  How long do you keep your tapes of your business meetings? Does assault figure in your business negotiations?

Do you have more than one business entity? Are any of them listed in the Cayman Islands? Have you paid tax recently?

Have you appeared at ICAC? Do you own a sports team? Would you like to? Have you had your tender approved by state government despite your complete lack of experience in the area? Are you a former bookmaker, stand over man, boxer, Fiji nightclub owner? Do you run with the Comancheros? Do you have Graham Richardson on speed dial? Have you acquired properties from people defaulting on loan payments? Were they devil worshippers?

Are you licenced for firearms? Have you been found guilty of possessing stolen or unlicenced firearms? Are any of your businesses linked to companies or businesses currently under suspicion? Would you say that’s just a coincidence? Is Graham Richardson godparent to any of your children? Did  he speak at your fiftieth? Would you say your main business skill is intimidation? Have you or any of your associates ever been described in the press using any or all of the words, ‘colourful’, ‘Sydney’, ‘Racing’, ‘Identity’?

 

If you answered yes to all of the above, then you are ready to join the exciting world of Sydney business. Whether it’s a league club expansion, a city block or two, or a former industrial site soon to be Sydney’s newest suburb, we know you’re the type that always does business in Sydney and knows how to cut through red tape with a brown bag of cash and deal with any opposition with a midnight phone call.

Let's Make A Deal!