When did Branding become the universal panacea to any problem? From the NRL to Vanilla Coke, it’s not that there’s a problem with the thing itself, there’s a problem with the branding.

In the last few weeks no less than Australia and Christianity has announced that they need to look at their branding.

I’m not sure what to make of a faith that has branding issues. Of a Creator who’s putting pressure on the marketing department.  You want to bring the waverers in? I don’t know  - lightning bolt?  Big voice from the sky? Some water into wine – I’d say branding issues dealt with.

But instead of Upwardly referring the problem,  this coalition of twenty Christian churches found through their market research that almost everything about themselves was on the nose; God, Church, Religion, Holy, Faith – all of them with less brand loyalty than Hyundai.  The only one who was maintaining a strong market share was Jesus.

Up there with Iphone, apparently.

So the Churches have responded with a series of billboards. The billboards show a picture of a child at the seaside. Slogan, Thank You For the Beaches, Jesus.  As powerful as a puppy with a roll of toilet paper.

If only they’d come to me.

You want impactful billboard? There’s only one model. Get big red and yellow signs up along major roads, reading DO YOU WANT A LONGER AFTER LIFE? 

In three months replace it with PRAY LONGER. AND HARDER.

With a bit of luck you’d get plenty of attendant controversy, lots of mileage in the news columns, plenty of outraged letters and before you know it,  you’re getting more coverage than a condom on the Pope. 

And you haven’t even offered to deliver Holy Water via a nasal spray. 

Branding’s a cult and a religion in itself. It’s an article of faith now that if there’s a problem then you have to fix the brand.

As irresistible as it is to mix religion and branding  - that crucifix was pretty effective logo for a millennia or so wasn’t it? Only surpassed apparently today by the Golden Arches – it’s ludicrous isn’t it?

And I have the same reaction to yet more attempts to brand the Nation.

Simon Crean and  Austrade now  want to spend twenty million dollars branding Australia. Australia’s been branded more times than a bull in Bonanza.  The difference this time is that Austrade is looking for a catch all brand that will cover everything from exporting cochlear implants to importing Indian students; from Akubras to Akira Isigawa., from LPG to  AC/DC.

The theory is that it’s really working well for New Zealand and South Africa. New Zealand’s “100% Pure” and South Africa’s  “Rainbow Nation” are not just slogans on the end of tourism ads. They represent a whole of nation approach and whether it’s Sauvignon Blanc or the All Blacks, the rest of world gets guzzling on a bottle of Marlborough  SB because of an association with the 100% Pure brand. It’s believed that South Africa got the World Cup Soccer because of the power of their Rainbow Nation brand.

Rubbish. 

France doesn’t have a brand, but it did invent food and champagne.  The USA is a brand in itself. Like the UK.

Italy doesn’t have a brand, it just got the entire planet to eat its food.  Sweden doesn’t have a brand apart from Volvo. Switzerland just holds up a Swiss Army Knife. China will arrest you if you try to brand it.  India accompanies everything with a sitar and a head wobble. The Middle East, it could be argued,  has some brand perception issues.

Attempts to brand Australia will go the same way as attempts to change the flag.

What’s the brief?

We cannot give a decent brief to a designer or a marketer because we don’t know who we are. We veer between outdated outbackery and anxious world classery.  We’re the most suburbanized people in the world, but never want to project that. We’re a Western enclave in Asia. We’re the fifty first state.  We’re a  vibrant multicultural society. We’ve got dot paintings and didgeridoos and an appalling relationship with actual Aborigines.

National traits include an ability to laugh at ourselves, mateship, fix anything with fencing wire, tearing down of anyone who gets up themselves, play any sport and work hard play hard ethic that makes us the best bloody place in the world.

My problem is none of those traits seem particularly unique to our nation and none of the perceptions of who we are seem true.

Millions will be spent with brand experts and marketing consultants who’ll deliver, “Australia. It’s Great.” 

Branding happens because something is what it says it is.

A soft drink, a piece of technology, a religion or a nation they are what they are and that’s the brand.

That’s the whole problem  with branding. When you come down to it, it’s gotta be the Real Thing.